practicing selflessness with a selfish heart

My class starts in twenty minutes. I'm missing it...again. 

It doesn't seem to matter how old my kids get, or how much I think I'm growing up. I always find my selfishness and independence creeping back in. Often in moments I least expect it. 

I found a fitness class I really like. I was hesitant to go last fall, and once I did, I felt like a looser doing some of the moves. However, I stuck with it, and before long, I was itching to go. I loved it! I enjoyed the workout. I loved how I felt after. I loved doing it with a friend, and having the accountability. I loved the results I saw, felt, and heard. It was great! 

Well, the class took a break for the holidays and was starting back up this week. We arrived home from a long road trip the night before the first class, I was planning on maybe still trying to make it, but decided, "My kids have been tired and sick, I'll give them a day at home to rest." So, I skipped the class with every intentions of going to the second. After all, my kids would be ready and back to normal by then. Or so I thought. 

Here I am, the morning of the second class. Sitting at home. My kid is sick. Again. 

Now, I may be a stay at home mom, but I'm pretty independent. I rarely hesitate to find a babysitter when we need a night out, or have a commitment. I have a Ladies Nights once a week, and my husband is fantastic about making sure I get time to be just me. We put the kids to bed around 7:15 every night, guaranteeing us a few hours to ourselves. So, I'm not writing this from some mama that has children on her twenty four hours a day seven days a week. I get my space. I get my Me time. So I feel  selfish asking for more, but I am. 

I love my children. I love the extra cuddles I get when they don't feel good. I love hanging out in our sweats on the couch , with an excuse to do nothing more. However,  I find myself resenting the fact that I'm stuck here. Stuck on the couch. Stuck at home. Stuck washing dishes, or changing sheets again. I just want to be working out! Is that so much to ask? I think what throws me most about this, is I usually don't like working out.  Sports in high school was my workout, and anything beyond that was simply ridiculous to me.  I'm not an avid fitness person. I'm not a health nut. (I'm actually eating a donut right now.) So the fact that it's a fitness class that I want to be at, is super weird. But I do. I'm so extremely bummed to be missing it, again. 

Now, I know this is a small thing. The situation could be must more intense. I know there is another class in a couple of days. I know my kids will be healthy again. I know it's not the end of the world, but I wanted to be there today. 

I may be a mom of three, but sometimes my selfishness makes me feel like my two year old daughter. I want it this way, and I want it now! Lucky for all of us, I'm not two. And despite my annoyance and bummed mood, I can be mature enough to stay home and love on my sick kids.  But that does't mean I'm not sad. That doesn't mean I'm not disappointed. It doesn't even mean that I'm wrong to want to go. 

It says, I'm practicing selflessness with a selfish heart. Deep down, I'm selfish. I think we all are. However, I'm choosing selflessness. It may not be with the perfect attitude, but its a step in the right direction. It's striving to be Christlike in the midst of my human nature. And let me tell you, its hard. But in the words of my former youth pastor,

“You have to practice your way into feeling.”

So today, I'm practicing selflessness. I'm doing so with a selfish, disappointed heart, but I'm practicing. And practice makes perfect. So here is to someday.